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Adolescents
You may think that, since adolescents are older, that they're going
to be less affected by the divorce. But this is not true. Divorce
is particularly tough for adolescents.
It is important not to allow one parent to be demonized. The
adolescent still feels connected to both parents -- if nothing else, then
genetically. If a parent was bad, then by extension so is the child. This
can hurt the child's self-esteem at a time when the security of the
adolescent's world is threatened.
It is important to reassure the adolescent repeatedly that the divorce
is not his or her fault, even if the child starts saying, "I know, I know."
Adolescents may have a wide variety of reactions to the divorce. Here are
some signs to look for:
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Controlling. Yearning for control, they may control their
emotions, walling themselves off from pain, but also from love. They
may try hard to control every situation in which they find themselves.
So, for example, they may be over-studiers to assure they get good
grades. Other women may date men who are failures, so they can
support and thus "control" them and assure that they don't leave.
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Conflicted. They are sometimes very torn about loyalties to their parents.
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Companionate. Sometimes, the parents become their children's pals to an
extent that prevents both parent and child from moving on.
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Anxious. They may have an almost crippling anxiety about life
in general, and relationships in particular. They fear failure.
And, in particular, they fear getting divorced themselves.
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Oscillating. As they swing back and forth between adulthood and
childhood, they need stability from the family to help them set
limits on their own new sexual and aggressive impulses. Without
family stability, they tend to push past responsible limits with
drugs, drinking, promiscuous sexual activity, and so on.
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Competitive. The visibly-sexually-active parent encourages
sexual activity in the child. Rivalries may even develop for the
same age suitor -- even the same person. Nonetheless, the girls are
repulsed by their mothers sexual activity.
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Guilty. Women, in particular, fear succeeding in love, because
they feel guilty surpassing their mother. Thus, they may sabotage
relationships that have any possibility of providing happiness.
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Starved for company. Some women don't want to end up alone
(like their mothers), so they marry early. Anecdotal evidence
suggests that marriages of these children of divorce before they
reach age 20 often themselves end in divorce.
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Violent. In boys, violence toward girlfriends may replay early
violence in the home. The boy does not want to identify with the
weaker mother, so he emulates the "stronger" father. Violence is
associated with low self-esteem and intense feelings of having been rejected.
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Masochistic. Some women go out with violent men, subconsciously
hoping that, if they can cure that man they can cure their father.
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Demonizing. In adolescent girls, the image of their father
tends to turn from idealized to demonized. In both cases, unless the
girls really know their fathers, they can never make the image a
realistic one. This makes it difficult for them to have a relaxed,
trusting, conventional loving relationship with a man.
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Mercenary. The children can be very focused on money. Their
own toys have become more
expensive, and they see college coming. Some kiss up to the
wealthier parent, but it tears them apart during this most idealistic
phase of life. They emerge thinking very little of themselves and
being very mercenary, and very cynical about relationships in general.
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Defeated. Self-esteem often drops at this point, because the
child feels that he or she shares the "bad" genes of the "bad"
parent. Enourage the child to recognize that she is her own
person, and that she can take control of her own life.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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