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Your Spouse Is Wild And Impulsive And You Are Quiet
If your spouse is wild and impulsive and you are quiet and unflappable, you might be interested
in the following brief illustration of a classic relationship psychologists call the "hysterical marriage."
Because Sarah's parents barely paid attention to her, Sarah has a very low sense of
self-esteem. She needs a constant flow of assurance from her spouse. This instability manifests
itself in barely controlled, often inappropriate behavior, if the approval is not forthcoming.
Her husband James learned that expressing emotion is dangerous. James has a low level of
self-confidence, because his parents were divorced, and his depressed mother required
him to take care of her. James learned at a young age to behave like a
parent, but James never received nurturing love himself.
Because of this experience, James tends to view everyone as either an inferior or a superior, but
he has trouble with peer-to-peer relationships. James is shy, and he barely dates women at all.
James is attracted to Sarah's emotionality, because he needs to express emotion himself, but, because
of his "little parent" upbringing, can't.
Sarah is attracted to James's stability and reassurance, to the sense that he will continue
to love and provide for her. (Sarah is not attracted to James himself, just to his
apparent constancy.)
But Sarah's constant need for approval eventually wears James down. James needs affection too,
and Sarah is unable to provide it.
James withdraws. This provokes Sarah to try harder to draw affection from him. This makes
James withdraw even more.
This makes Sarah angry, with public or inappropriate displays of anger at James, often
including wild overstatements about his behavior or his faults. James responds by sealing
himself off emotionally.
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